Things I Suck at

This kind of goes hand-in-hand with yesterday’s post. For a thorough intro, read that first, because I’m too lazy to type it all again. Back? Okay. For those of you (a.k.a. all of you) who didn’t go read it, I will summarize. Some people take themselves too seriously. Everyone these days is obsessed with finding the perfect image for themselves, and too worried about how they might be perceived by others.

Now. Adding on from that. There’s also people who like to think their good at everything. Or people who are obsessed with being good at everything. Believe me, they’re out there.

And I have a very “flaunt what you’ve got” mentality. Everybody’s bad at something. It’s okay. Let it out. And this isn’t like those people who like to brag about how they’re super bad at spelling, or eating healthy, or talking to boys, or not procrastinating, or about them just being socially awkward-anything that its kind of “hip” or “cool” to be bad at.

These are things that people generally like to be good at. Things that aren’t so cool. But you know what? Ill be the first to throw it all out there. Here is a list of things I truly suck at, and hopefully this makes you feel a little better about yourself.

1) Curling my hair. I am absolutely amazed at people who can curl their own hair. I don’t understand it. How? How do you get the back? How do not burn yourself excessively? Practice, probably, but I’m way to lazy to do that.

2) Painting my nails. I am mesmerized by the intricate little nail designs people can achieve. Like, I mean with actual nail polish, by themselves, not using stickers or some Asian at a salon. (Sorry for the dab or racism there-I couldn’t resist. Really.)

3) Getting up early. Oh man…this ones a biggie. I am awful at this, I swear. I’ll wake up, hit snooze, hit snooze, hit snooze…then I’ll lay there for another 20 minutes, just telling myself “Okay…I’ll get up…now. Okay…now. How about now? No? I really need to get up now…nope…” Once I get up and running I’m okay, but it takes a lot to get me there. Like, a LOT.

4) Baseball or softball. I am scared of things being thrown at me. Part of this is because I am horribly uncoordinated. Anything part is I’m scared of being hit in the face and all my teeth being knocked out. So you can see how standing there with a rock-hard ball hurling at my head with nothing but a wooden stick to defend myself, wouldn’t be very appealing.

5) Soccer. Same reasons. My foot coordination is even worse than my hand. And balls have the uncanny ability to find me. It’s like they smell fear or something.

6) Talking to/interacting with children. I do not like kids. At all. They’re gross, whiney, rude little creatures. And when I do meet one that’s slightly okay, I have no idea how to talk to them. I tend to either talk like they’re stupid, or like they’re one of my peers, using sarcasm and jokes they don’t understand. I refuse to gush out praise or baby them. Hugs and hand holding are out of the question.

7) Running. I wish I could be one of those people who likes to run. I wish I could just relax into a groove and let my mind wander. And my mind does wander, just not very much. I tend to mostly just think about how bored I am, and then I think about how I’m tired (even if I’m not that tired) and then that makes me that much more tired, and then I get super bored, like I can’t run any longer or I’m going to shoot myself in the face. And then I stop. No self-motivation, I tell you.

8) Going to a store and leaving with ONLY what I NEED. Yea…this never happens.

9) Finishing a lip balm before buying a new one. Self explanatory…seriously I have so many it’s not even funny.

10) Taking short showers. So l like long, leisurely, showers. Sue me.

So there’s a few. Ill add more as I think of them, but that’s enough for today. Comments are always welcome!!

~SJM

Fake “images”, or people trying to be perfect

I am not perfect. At all.

Now before you get all started on me about how self esteem is important and you shouldn’t get down on yourself, etc., just know that this post isn’t like that. I’m not being self-deprecating (well, I am, but no more than usual). But I think one important part of life is being able to poke fun at yourself and not be afraid to see yourself as less than perfect.

On a slightly less inspirational note, there are some people out there who just think they’re so damn perfect. Like I can’t even. This has come to my attention recently because this year it just seems everyone is obsessed with perfecting themselves. And I’m not talking about perfecting as in becoming better people or anything actually constructive. No, I’m talking about perfecting the physical aspects. I swear, everyone I know is either trying to lose weight, wants different clothes, trying to improve their social standing, or is basically obsessed with looking good ALL THE TIME.

And don’t even get me started on people and their IMAGES. Everyone is trying to make an image for themselves. They all have some way they want to be perceived which is totally different than who they actually are. It makes me sad…but also mostly frustrated. High school is all about getting a cool image, it seems. About appearing cool and perfect to others. About achieving your optimum perfect-ness.

And then there’s the people who honestly believe they’re something their not. Or honestly believe everyone else feels the same about them. One person comes to mind, who considers himself to be the “funny” guy. And that would be fine, if he wasn’t so damn annoying about it. Constantly making jokes that aren’t funny, polite, called for, or even mildly appropriate, not shutting up when asked repeatedly, etc. And calling himself funny. Once you actually title yourself as something, theres no way you cam ever actually be that. It just looks like you’re trying too hard, which is true.

Or this girl in my Lit. class who’s so ANGST. She hates everyone, and yea, so do I. But she, like, advertises it. She always talks about how horrible our school is and how everyone here sucks and blah blah blah…but the thing is, it’s not even that bad! And she blurts these things out at random times and then talks about how she hates when people speak out of turn. Hypocrisy at its finest, folks.

And I know, there’s things that make these people this way. Maybe they have a tough home life, or are just looking to be accepted or something. But you can usually tell that about people, at least to some degree, and trust me, there’s nothing wrong with either of these people’s home life. I know them. They have friends. They’re just annoying.

So yea. Just had to get that off my chest…do any of you know people like this?? Feedback is always welcome!

~SJM

Hey hey hey! New blog!

I have started a new blog! Don’t worry, I’ll still be blogging in this one (even though I haven’t in a while, I know, and I’m sorry! I’ve just been sooo busy and haven’t had a lot of good ideas…any ideas you guys have would be appreciated! Thanks!). But I would appreciate it greatly of some of you gave my other one a chance too!

Reading is one of my favorite activities by far. And since this blog is mostly about things that bug me about people and society and every day life, blogging about books didn’t really fit in that well. So I started this one! It’s called Pages. The URL is http://www.sarahjmueller.wordpress.com (not sure why it made the URL my name, but I’m too lazy to change it).

Soooo yea. I promise Ill make another post soon! In the mean time, please enjoy my literary ramblings.

~SJM

The Ultimate Horror-Movie Survival Guide

#1: Never go anywhere alone. I cannot stress this enough. No matter how cocky or confident or drunk you’re feeling, wandering off by yourself is probably the worst thing you can do. It skyrockets your chances of dying in some horrible way to about 98.9%.

#2: When you hear a noise in the middle of the night, don’t go investigate. I’ve never understood peoples urges in movies to go discover the source of every creepy noise that happens at night. It just seems like common sense that if your hearing a creepy noise in the middle of the night, getting up to check it out by yourself (re: rule number one), automatically leads to terror/injuries/death on your part.

#3: If you’re a douche or a slut, you die first. I don’t know who in Hollywood decided that it was standard operating procedure in Horror Movie Deaths to pick off those two characters first, but it seems to be universal.

#4: When vacationing to a desolate cabin in the woods or anywhere surronded by wilderness, make sure there’s cell phone service ahead of time. If there isn’t and you still (stupidly) insist on going, at least find several alternate means off communication with the outside world. And bring a gun. Just in case.

#5: If your youngest child starts talking to an imaginary friend and playing creepy little games, it’s time for an intervention. Get him/her involved in sports or whatever. Get them a dog. If distractions don’t work, move. Or, if the ghost or whatever it is has already attached itself to the child, disown it. It’s as simple as that.

#6: When you find and rescue your loved one who has been kidnapped, GET THE HELL OUT. This one bugs me a lot. Okay, you’ve found your friend/family member, they’re still alive, great. Now leave! Run! Now is not the time for a fucking reunion, people! The killer who took them in the first place (probably hoping to draw you out which obviously worked) is probably stalking you now. Either way, you know he could be returning any minute so I don’t understand why people chose to pick that moment for hugs and kisses and are-you-okays, I’m-so-sorrys, all that mushy stuff. You’re wasting your precious escape time!!

#7: That said, sometimes people run too much. How many times have we seen this? You’ve escaped, you’ve momentarily evaded your killer and now your running away through probably a dark and creepy woods or something. And just when you think you’ve gotten away, you do something to clue him in to where you are and he manages to track you, find you, and jump out to kill you when you’re least expecting it. So I know I just went on a big rant about getting away on rule number 6, but once you’ve gotten a fair distance away and think you might be in the clear? Hide. Stop running and hunker down somewhere and let the killer pass you by, and then carry on your merry way after your sure he’s gone. At the very least, this will throw him off the track. I don’t know why people don’t try this!

#8: Shouting hello anywhere at anytime is just so dumb. I can’t even. This is the classic dumb white girl in a scary movie move. If you do this, your basically begging for the killer to find you and jump out and kill you.

#9: Lastly, don’t wait until it’s too late and your family/friends are basically dead/possessed/mauled to do something! Sic an exorcist on that thing. Call the cops/hire your own private body guards. Run while you can. Hesitate not.

I’ve also thoughtfully included a list of things that it never hurts to have on hand in any horror-movie-type situation: Flame-thrower, crucifix, exorcist, body guards, a black-belt in some martial art, numb-chucks, pepper spray, a shit ton of back-up, Jackie Chan, Chuck Norris, someone you can sacrifice while you run away, steal-toed boots, a gun, hidden knifes, several escape plans, brass knuckles, security blanket, 911 on speed-dial, cell phone and back-up phone, radio, and intense background music. There are more, but I’m getting tired of typing.

Hopefully this helped! I mean, I can understand why people do all of the stupid things they do in scary movies, because if they actually followed their common sense and these simple guidelines, well, the entire thing would probably fizzle out because no one would die in excruciating, horrible, bloody, creepy ways. Bummer, right? But just once, just once, I would like to see Hollywood make a scary movie where people do everything intelligently. I really, really do. You’d see me there on opening night.

 

~SJM

Why “Nice Guys Finish Last” (or in other words, why girls go for douchebags)

To be honest, I don’t see what’s so absolutely mind-boggling about this subject. It seems to me, at least, that there is a perfect reasonable explanation behind the concept that girls always seem to go for the jerks while the “nice guys” are friend-zoned or worse. There are a couple parts to this explanation, but let me start with a disclaimer: the title of this post is not true. Girls do not always go for douches. Yes, some of them do, but there’s a reason for that which we will discuss shortly. But there are plenty of girls out there who chose the nice guys. Heck, I’m one of them! So I’m not saying that this is what all girls do, or even what a lot of girls do. I personally think the ratio of girls who actually do this is greatly exaggerated by the “nice guy” population, who is wonderful at playing that whole wounded and scorned role. That’s why I keep putting the words “nice guy” into quotes, because I’m not sure that label is entirely accurate. Maybe “completely oblivious, a little whiny, slightly desperate, but still pretty nice” would fit the bill, but that’s kind of a mouthful. So just keep it in the back of your mind as you read.

It’s pretty obvious that these girls who seemingly favor the jerks and the assholes of the male species are not dating them for their amiable personalities, but rather the opposite. Dating a guy who’s mean  to everyone else but nice and romantic with you can hold a certain appeal and make what you two have seem pretty special. I saw a quote once that said something like: A girl wants bad boy who’s gentle only with her, a boy wants a nice girl who…I forgot the rest. But it doesn’t matter because I’m only focusing on the first half. It goes right with what I’m saying! A girl wants someone who’s going to make her feel special, and a guy who treats everyone but her like crap would probably do just that. I know, I know, it’s wrong, but it’s true.

Another reason some girls tend to avoid “nice guys” is because they have been (probably unfairly) stereotyped as, well, boring. Tame. Let me explain. Jerks can be fun. Yes, they are assholes, but they’re also not afraid to joke around or be wild and crazy which does have a certain appeal sometimes. Girls like to have fun (cue: Cyndi Lauper song here). They like be teased. They like to be wooed. (<—yes, I just used the word wooed, even at the risk of sounding like my grandmother.) It’s how girls flirt! And sometimes “nice guys” don’t seem to do that because…well…they’re just so nice. And yes, being nice is great! Don’t get me wrong, I love guys being nice! But you can mess around and tease her a little and still be just as respectful and wonderfully nice. Lighten up dudes! Seriously! Drop that formal facade! Because let me tell you, there is nothing more exhausting than talking to a guy who is so consciously trying to be nice and polite that he can’t joke around or (god forbid) let you open the damn door by yourself.

And I’m also not saying that all “nice guys” are like the bumbling, awkwardly polite picture I’ve painted above. That’s just one breed of fish in the ocean of “nice guys”. (<–Likes for the aquatic metaphor!) There’s also the kind I described at the beginning, the kind that likes to sit around and moan about how they always finish last and blah blah blah. But there’s also the sweet kind that doesn’t just sit around and mope all day about their pathetic love-lives but instead go out and treats girls like they’re funny and beautiful people and those are the real nice guys, the ones who don’t treat you like you’re they’re fragile great-grandmother that just celebrated her 98th birthday last week, but still respect you all the same.

Wow. I really got going there for a second! I’ll take a breather in a second, but I’m basically done anyway. So guys, read up! And yes, I know it’s not fair that some girls are still going to go for the jerks, but maybe it’s time for you “nice guys” to step it up a notch! I’ve given you the basics but now it’s time to go out and give it a try! Or at least I hopefully gave you some food for thought.

~SJM

People who think they’re “country” but they’re not

Living in a relatively small, Iowan, farm-based community, I’ve seen my fair share of rednecks. A vast majority of them go to my school. (One morning before class started they were standing in the beds of their rusty trucks, throwing rotten apples at cars that drove by in the parking lot. See, these are the wonderful things I have to look forward to in rural Iowa.) Like it or not, they’re a part of how society functions around here (and I’d be lying if I said the throwing-apples-at-cars thing didn’t cheer me up some).

And after a while you start to get a sense of who’s real, hardcore, “let’s go mudding after school and do doughnuts in the parking lot” country, and who’s pretending; playing camo dress-up, which is probably one of the most embarrassing offenses I can think of.

So I’m order to help sort-out the pretenders, below I have compiled a list to help you figure out who the real country folk are. And I’ll admit, this mostly directed at females since they usually turn out to be the worst offenders.

1) If you live in town, count yourself out. You are not country. You don’t live on a farm, ranch, or acreage. Your a town kid, and that’s fine. If you’ve grown up in the country that can count i suppose. But why try convincing yourself and everyone else that you’re something you’re not? Being truly “country” is a way of life. You can’t just go drive your little white convertible or yellow slug bug to the nearest Sheel’s and buy a camouflaged Underarmour jacket and call yourself a hick. It doesn’t work like that.

2) Wearing camouflage that has pink printed on it anywhere. Pink is not country. Period.

3) Your boyfriend is country, therefore you are too. My god. I can’t say enough about this. I am thinking of one particular couple from our school, yes. XD but there are also many others. You “hunt” with your boyfriend? Right.

4) If your prissy-ness counteracts your redneck-ness. Do you get spray tans and manicures? Highlights? Nose-jobs? Designer clothes? Miss-me jeans? Do you wear way to much make-up? If you are guilty of any of these things, you are not country. You are not a redneck. You care about your appearance, which is good, but the exact opposite of rowdies, who come wearing ripped-up jeans, work boots, camo or neon-orange stocking caps, and could care less how much mud they track in. Also, if you Tweet or Instigram regularly, those are nos.

5) Camo prom dresses. DON’T EVEN GO THERE. God.

So there you go folks. And that’s just for starters. Now don’t get the idea that I actually care that much, but I do find it irritating when people are so blatantly fake. I myself am not a country person, even though I do live on a farm. But I would would look ridiculous in camo anyways, so I’ve never tried. XD

~SJM

(Also, shout-out to my first comment from wishfulinnocence!! Made me actually aware that people other than my friends and teacher (if he still is) were reading this. So thank you, my six dedicated followers!) 😉

Things I don’t Understand about Fashion

Pop culture has done a magnificent job of deluding society into believing what is “fashionable” and what’s not. There are some amazingly ugly clothes out there that can pass as socially acceptable, which is a crime in itself. Magazines, celebrities, and designers have done a magnificent job of brainwashing the human race. Below are a few examples I can think of off the top of my head:

-Those translucent “sheer” button-up blouses with the ironic collars (which are usually sparkly). I was standing behind someone wearing this unfortunate article of clothing in the slop (oh excuse me-LUNCH) line the other day, and for some reason it burned itself into my brain. Worn with leggings usually, this shirt just never fails to boggle my mind with its sheer absurdity. Why make a blouse so thin you can see the cami that must be worn underneath, therefore detracting from the shirt itself? And why the old-lady collar?? What does that contribute to the ensemble? A touch of class, or dare I say, “vintage”?? It just looks awkward. Especially when covered in sequins.
Below is a link to one of these awkward-collared shirts, in case you still don’t know what I’m talking about:
http://sugarlanddesign.bigcartel.com/product/black-collar-chiffon-blouse

-Nothing says “I want to be just like Hannah Montana when I grow up” like sequins. But lately instead of just being confined to the prom dresses and pillows of prissy girls who watch too much Disney channel, they have been everywhere!! On Victoria’s Secret Pink shirts. Those ironic collars I just ranted about. Moccisons. Boots. It needs to end before it leaves pop culture and takes over our society completely. Next thing you know, Obama will be making a speech in a snazzy, sequin-covered suit.

-Colored Uggs…ugh. -.- So tacky!! They are super tacky and I don’t see why non one understands that. Or not even real Uggs, the knock-offs are even worse because besides looking cheap in general, they’re bright and obnoxious and completely unnatural looking. The worst offenses are animal printed Uggs. And the Uggs with sequins (see above paragraph) are positively obscene.

And with prom right around the corner, we mustn’t forget to mention all the *ahem* interesting prom dresses popping up. What’s the big fad of pouffy, sparkly, princess-type dresses about?? They make you look like your playing dress-up as Cinderella, except without the glass slippers, natural beauty, fairy god person and team of over-worked mice, or anything remotely romantic about the story. And I guarantee your date, no matter how much he says he actually likes your dress and no you don’t look fat, will be wondering why he is taking someone with the fashion sense of a five-year-old to prom. I mean, why would you want all that gauze and fluff smushing around your legs the entire night anyways?? Having your skirt poof out so much your date can’t even stand close to you? Having your torso so blatantly covered in tacky sparkles, that it hurts my good taste to look at you? It needs to end.

In my humble opinion, when in doubt, go smooth, elegant, classic, or form-fitting whenever possible when choosing a prom dress. Let the actual shape of your curves show instead of hiding them under a mountain of gauze. “Princess” dresses aren’t cute. They aren’t elegant, and they sure as hell aren’t classy. And I think if we all open our eyes to the complete hideousness of these dresses, and all other fashion foux pas I mentioned above, we can slowly start to make the world (or at least the fashion world) a better place.

~SJM