Things I don’t Understand about Fashion

February 27, 2013

Pop culture has done a magnificent job of deluding society into believing what is “fashionable” and what’s not. There are some amazingly ugly clothes out there that can pass as socially acceptable, which is a crime in itself. Magazines, celebrities, and designers have done a magnificent job of brainwashing the human race. Below are a few examples I can think of off the top of my head:

-Those translucent “sheer” button-up blouses with the ironic collars (which are usually sparkly). I was standing behind someone wearing this unfortunate article of clothing in the slop (oh excuse me-LUNCH) line the other day, and for some reason it burned itself into my brain. Worn with leggings usually, this shirt just never fails to boggle my mind with its sheer absurdity. Why make a blouse so thin you can see the cami that must be worn underneath, therefore detracting from the shirt itself? And why the old-lady collar?? What does that contribute to the ensemble? A touch of class, or dare I say, “vintage”?? It just looks awkward. Especially when covered in sequins.
Below is a link to one of these awkward-collared shirts, in case you still don’t know what I’m talking about:
http://sugarlanddesign.bigcartel.com/product/black-collar-chiffon-blouse

-Nothing says “I want to be just like Hannah Montana when I grow up” like sequins. But lately instead of just being confined to the prom dresses and pillows of prissy girls who watch too much Disney channel, they have been everywhere!! On Victoria’s Secret Pink shirts. Those ironic collars I just ranted about. Moccisons. Boots. It needs to end before it leaves pop culture and takes over our society completely. Next thing you know, Obama will be making a speech in a snazzy, sequin-covered suit.

-Colored Uggs…ugh. -.- So tacky!! They are super tacky and I don’t see why non one understands that. Or not even real Uggs, the knock-offs are even worse because besides looking cheap in general, they’re bright and obnoxious and completely unnatural looking. The worst offenses are animal printed Uggs. And the Uggs with sequins (see above paragraph) are positively obscene.

And with prom right around the corner, we mustn’t forget to mention all the *ahem* interesting prom dresses popping up. What’s the big fad of pouffy, sparkly, princess-type dresses about?? They make you look like your playing dress-up as Cinderella, except without the glass slippers, natural beauty, fairy god person and team of over-worked mice, or anything remotely romantic about the story. And I guarantee your date, no matter how much he says he actually likes your dress and no you don’t look fat, will be wondering why he is taking someone with the fashion sense of a five-year-old to prom. I mean, why would you want all that gauze and fluff smushing around your legs the entire night anyways?? Having your skirt poof out so much your date can’t even stand close to you? Having your torso so blatantly covered in tacky sparkles, that it hurts my good taste to look at you? It needs to end.

In my humble opinion, when in doubt, go smooth, elegant, classic, or form-fitting whenever possible when choosing a prom dress. Let the actual shape of your curves show instead of hiding them under a mountain of gauze. “Princess” dresses aren’t cute. They aren’t elegant, and they sure as hell aren’t classy. And I think if we all open our eyes to the complete hideousness of these dresses, and all other fashion foux pas I mentioned above, we can slowly start to make the world (or at least the fashion world) a better place.

~SJM

Written by sarahjmueller Posted in Screwed-up Society Tagged with fashion, humor